Friday, 6 April 2012

Idiot goggles

Google have presented an idea for Terminator-style glasses that make phone calls and things. It's an awful idea, but that's not what I want to talk about. I'm more concerned about this terrible video they've made.

Let's see the nauseating day in the life of a hip downtown New Yorker. He drinks coffee. He eats bread. He's just like you. Except then he opens his mouth, and it turns out he's deeply annoying. 'Yeah, meet me in front of Strand Books. At two.' I wouldn't. So he goes outside while the sickening breezy music plays as the soundtrack to his life. It's not coming from the glasses. It's inside his head. It plays in his mind as he ambles from one coffee shop to the next. But the subway's closed. How's he going to react to this? 'Aww man, really?' Yes man, really. Fortunately, he makes it to the book shop without going out of fashion. But where's the music section? Shall he not just use his eyes? No, he asks the glasses. He finds what he's looking for. An instruction book for the ukulele. Of course, of course he plays the ukulele.

Is Paul here yet? Or has he got lost in the non-fiction section? Thankfully, Paul is sharing his location, and we can confirm that he is 402 feet away. And getting closer. When he arrives our suspicions are confirmed. He's another smug git. The awful humans go to a truck to buy some products, but not before the first one can 'check in' his location on the internet. Who does this? And if there is anyone, they must be stopped. You'll find that they only 'share' the cool places they've been. It's not 'yes, I'm on the toilet now, and later I might stand in a field'. Never mind, surely the worst of it is over. No, there's just enough time for him to serenade 'Jess' on the ukulele, while seeing the wonders of a setting sun though his gadget eyes.

My real problem with this is that Google assume this is desirable. This is who we all want to be isn't it? A rich trendy man in sunny America. It's okay though, because these people will inevitably wander into traffic while checking their email.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Inside the fort

In Tenby there's always been this really cool fort on an island. It was built in the nineteenth century and, according to Wikipedia, has '4 main bedrooms, 16 turret rooms, an old banquet hall, and an armoury which used to hold 444 barrels of gunpowder'. Nobody's allowed in. I've never seen the inside. It's a big, looming, sinister structure that shouldn't really be there. I've wondered about it for so long that I forgot there's a thing called 'the internet' now, where there's pictures of everywhere and everything. A one-second search led me straight to the reassuringly-named Some people just climbed into it and took pictures.

Okay, so it's terrifying. But that only makes it better. In the middle of a sunny beach there's an old broken war machine that's falling to pieces. A relic from some ancient battle that never happened. It also used to be a zoo.

The internet ruins mysteries, but sometimes it's worth it. All the pictures are here.